seconds measured

47.4 seconds.
That is my son’s best time in the 100 yard freestyle, the time he just swam at the 4A Florida State High School meet last Saturday.

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47.4 seconds.
a time when each breath was intentional
each stroke intentional
each kick intentional

The Warriors host two teams

47.4 seconds
not just halfway, but all out. Each stroke and breath all out, pushing to the limit, pushing past weariness and pain, driving body past barriers until he touched the wall to finish.

There was a flurry of movement all around as surrounding athletes pushed limits through resistance, water,  to record best times, driving at All- American speeds: 44 seconds, 45 seconds 46 seconds.

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Behind those seconds are hours and hours of work. Miles and miles of yardage logged to get the speed, endurance to be able to charge through those few seconds all out.

Hours put in early when the moon and stars still fill the sky.
Hours put in in pouring rain and cold temperatures.

Swimming ….a truly inspirational sport, one of true discipline
as the one standing on the blocks, poised to move forward, every muscle tensed, anticipating the start
is the only one who knows the preparation, the hours and yards and conditions endured to ready himself for that brief race.

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I have fought the good fight, I have stayed the course, I have finished the race….2 Timothy 4:7

It is the last push that determines the winner.
The last reach, the last stroke head down
lungs bursting
arms burning
legs burning
in the final reach for the wall.
The final time.

The glance at the clock that records time is only a measure of the discipline and perseverance endured to reach that mark of 47.4 seconds.

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In our own moments,  we endure those seconds of push in life where we are beyond ourselves
grinding through resistance, the churning waters that surround, laboring past the pain and weariness

that place beyond ourselves that is glorious and exhausting

that place where we can help another
or bring a smile to a face by a simple act of kindness
or see a terminal situation in a new light, though the situation has not changed

those are moments of glory.

Psalm 89:17 says, “For you are the glory of their strength.”

These are the moments,  lasting a bit longer or shorter than 47 seconds, that inspire us through the hard places,

These moments of inspiration push us to look beyond the pain to reach for something greater to better ourselves, or even greater, to better someone else.

There is great gain in launching into deep waters. In going beyond limits to do something impossible or unattainable. And whether or not that thing is attained or just beyond grasp there is victory in the trying, in the drive to get to wall to the place beyond your limit. To bring you beyond yourself into the unknown. To places beyond borders.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would find me

“Oceans” by Hillsong

We become tired and weary of the places we are called to go, determined by choice or by circumstance…to care for the widow, the orphan, to be the single mom, to juggle the finances, to walk with cancer.

We think we can’t propel past the pain and weariness to move forward, one motion at a time, one stroke at a time, one kick at a time.

Somewhere deep in our soul, we find the guts to move on.  Faith gives us the push to move forward.

Triumph comes not in the time or the medal or the accolade because most of the time there is none. Triumph comes in the strength attained that often times unknowingly inspires another to find the same.

The Warriors visit Boone HS

stuck in the middle with you

middle

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Last night this song is playing at Uno’s while I eat pizza with my kids. I tell them this is a song that talks about my life right now…stuck in the middle with you. They roll their eyes and keep eating their pizza.

It’s homecoming week at the house, a time when the kids both want me around and push me away.  When they want my opinion, then silently warn me with their eyes to back off.   A time when the purse strings are wide open for all the stuff… jewelry, shoes,makeup, costumes…when the car is rolling for errands, rides to the float parade…

It is also a week with a lot of doctor appointments and follow ups for my mom, first to the primary, then arrangements for home health to draw bloodwork, then to the cardiologist for an echocardiogram for a new murmur they hear.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am.  Stuck in the middle with you.

A mirror, a two way mirror.

I see my daughter, choosing what she will share, averting conversations, hugs, kisses on the forehead, gradually taking a few steps back, and me doing the same to my mother, avoiding painful, quiet conversations, needy hugs, a kiss on the cheek, taking a few steps back.

for my daughter, it is independence

for me, it is sorrow

The sorrow of not having the relationship the way I do now with my daughter on the good days–the days out to lunch, or perusing the racks at Marshalls, or grabbing a Starbucks together–the days I used to have with my mom.

I need to let down my guard and have the silent hugs, and take the kisses on the cheek, and take the hand that wants to be held

for that is what a mother needs from her daughter,

and what a daughter needs from her mother

at 15, or 52, or 89

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Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

–John Mayer

My mother was so good to me.

Am I a daughter who loves like she did?

Selflessly, putting others first?

I have such a hard time right now, putting her first.

She is so kind and gentle

while I fight for myself and what I want

and see that in my daughter too

fighting for who she is

to carve her own way, not mine

even though I may try to direct it.

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It is so hard to see her, my daughter, mirroring the fight I have myself…

wanting independence,

to be free of this constant care and worry for my mom.

Mom tells me she’s ready to go.

I ask her why.

She tells me she doesn’t want me worrying about her so much. Isn’t that what we do as mothers–worry about everything being right?..hair, makeup, the right outfit, friends, relationships, the right fit?

I’ve done that since my daughter was a toddler. I do it now

I do it for my mother at 89, she does it for me.

I walk in the door, dressed up to go to dinner. She motions me towards her, she adjusts my skirt,

“That’s so pretty,” she says, turning her hand in a circle.

“Turn around.”

I sigh, turn grudgingly around.

“Fix your hair,” she says, pointing at my wild mane.

“OK mom,” I say, turn on my heel and walk away.

The next day I do the same to my daughter as she readies herself for homecoming. She’s frantically curling her hair with a wand into little ringlets.

“Aren’t you going to fluff those out,” I ask

“No, mom,” she says. “I like them that way.”

“What about your makeup, aren’t you putting on your makeup?”

“Yes, mom.”

“Pull your skirt down.”

I pause.

I am my mother

My daughter is me.

The lines are blurred in these moments of female-hood

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Three generations under my roof

Three fights for independence

one, wanting to be free to be herself,

one, wanting to be free of her physical limitations

one, wanting to be free of the worries of both

for here I am,

stuck in the middle with you